Silence

Let me start by giving a short update on Devin's brother Bland. He had a biopsy a week ago Friday. They ultimately removed as much of the tumor as they could. He is home with his sister Abby and is feeling much better. He will begin radiation in the next couple of weeks. I don't know any more about the biopsy as far as what kind of tumor it was or what kind of threat it poses in the future. I will update you as I find out. In the mean time, please continue to include him in your prayers. Also include Abby as she steps into a caregiver roll.

So my silence this week. Emotionally this has been an exceptionally trying week. The high of Kristen's remarkable recovery is wearing off. As I try to process through these emotions I realize that many factors are playing a role here. First, Kristen was able to move into her apartment this week. This is a big step forward for her. I'm finding it harder to let go than when she went to KU as a freshman. My heart is so heavy. It's as if the dam holding back the feelings from the past year has burst. I find myself crying at odd moments. Crying isn't really a strong enough word. Sobbing is more like it. Second, we are coming up to the anniversary of her diagnosis. It's only been a year. We have lived lifetimes in the past year. As we get closer to Christmas and New Year's I can't help but think that last year everything was 'normal'. Now I'm desperate to find 'normal'. I guess I'm just now mourning for what was. Don't get me wrong though. I wouldn't go back. This year has been life altering in a good way.

So it's the adjustment that I struggle with. Letting Kristen be in charge of her own health. Discovering what I need to do with myself. The role that has defined me for the past year is fading away. I can no longer consider myself a caregiver 24/7. Processing what we have been through. Looking ahead. In the short term we have Steven's jaw surgery. Kristen starting school again. Relearning how to take care of myself. It will all work out. I will find my way. We will all find our way.

"And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done."

(Excerpt from one of my favorite books, Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go! Go read it if you have a copy.)