Silence

Do not worry because I have been so quiet this week. This week has been for me. I needed to pull away and really deal with all the emotions that threaten to drown me.

I am truly devastated by this relapse. It made this real. Last year was like a bad dream that we went through. Now it is our reality. I am much more scared than before. Kristen being sick this week just seems to emphasize the fact that she doesn't have the reserves that she had when we first started in on this battle. She is David and the AML with 11q23 abnormality is Goliath. But we all know that David was able to defeat Goliath. Kristen will be able to defeat this. Right?! Let me tell you that it is much, much harder for me to hold onto that positive attitude this time around. I pray and pray that God's will is for her recovery. At the same time I pray for Him also to prepare us if it is not. Which brings me back around to how could she not recover. How could losing her be God's will?

So we see my conundrum. Is it possible to remain strong and prepare oneself for the possible negatives? Is it possible for me to not be on the verge of tears every other second? This is truly a time for God to be my strength. Because I've got nothing on my own.

Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. Luke 22:42 KJV

On a more positive note, Steven is a joy. He takes such good care of me. He helps around the house. He is so affectionate. He is a blessing. He chooses to keep himself somewhat remote from what is going on. I'm sure it is easier than really giving it a lot of thought. I think it is hardest for him right before and right after school. Those are the two times that he cannot avoid what is different. I'm not there. I try to call him every afternoon afterschool to hear about his day or just tell him I love him. He says he misses my cooking most and then the fact that I'm not here when he gets home.

I have learned this week that it is more difficult to be the one holding down the fort here. The house if very empty in the evenings without Devin. We talked the other day about how God has prepared us for this time apart. Because of all our corporate moves in the past we know how to deal with those times.

I head back tomorrow. It is easier for me to be in the midst of the battle than back here waiting for news. It's also easier for me to remain positive. Weird? The comfort of seeing Kristen everyday and reassuring myself that she is doing well.