Picking a Hat

I have had a particularly trying weekend. I found myself yesterday at home alone and had the weirdest thought. If I just lay down and go to sleep I will wake up and find that the past year has been a dream. You know, like the tv shows. The thought seemed so real.

I've also been struggling with the hats I wear. Especially those as wife, mom, sister, and daughter. I have felt that the holiday season has been an issue between my family (nuclear) and my family (extended) for several years. No matter what direction we go someone I love gets disappointed. Several years ago we began a Thanksgiving tradition with some close friends. These friends have become our family over the past 20+ years. My kids refer to their kids as their cousins and them as aunt and uncle. We've gotten into the habit of spending a majority of our major holidays with them. Thanksgiving isn't the big issue, how we choose to celebrate Christmas is the issue. Long before I even had a family, a decision was made to celebrate one year at home and one year at the in-laws. This seemed logical and worked for me until I was married and had a family of my own. Because of work, we often lived a distance from family. We have lived as close as 2 1/2 hours and as far as across an ocean. Currently we are a 5 hour drive away. As a young family we fell in with the 'home/away' tradition. At some point the travel became a burden. Mom/wife me began to see that my family wanted to be home, in their own home, for the holidays. Daughter/sister me didn't want to disappoint and felt an obligation to uphold a long ago decision. As we got older and our children grew and had children of their own, I became overwhelmed by the shear numbers gathering together. So each year I've been pushed to make a choice that would let someone down. I get extremely stressed out because I am a people pleaser. When I know I'm going to hurt someone with a decision I agonize about it days ahead and after. I really prefer to avoid any hint of conflict. This weekend I had to let my choice be known again. So I let someone I love down, again.