Once a Control Freak ...

As I laid around today unsuccessfully trying to nap, I got to thinking about something I wrote about last year. If you recall, I mentioned how I used to sing the words to Here I Am and truly desire that God use me. This was around the same time that I would pray for God to make me a vessel. I so desperately wanted to serve Him in some way. I mentioned that the past year was an answer to prayer in how God would use my blogging to speak to people. Now the thought popped into my mind today, "So, you only want to serve God when it isn't too uncomfortable?" Whoa there. What did that mean?

It was easy to have faith last year when everything seemed to be going smoothly. Every prayer seemed to be answered the way I desired. Kristen went into remission, a donor was found, transplant went without a hitch, and we got to come home early. There you go, over and done. Good job showing faith. Glad it didn't strain you too much. But here we are again. And it feels like God is reminding me that true faith comes when the prayers are not all answered the way I prefer. That I need to continue to turn to Him. I don't know if I've really being doing that like I should. It's like I'm holding something back. How ridiculous. Holding something back from God? I so desperately want to give Him my all. Yet just as the balloon slips out of my hand... I reach and grasp the string again. As I was looking for something in the Bible today I stumbled across First and Second Timothy. It got me to thinking about Paul. When he said he would serve the Lord he held nothing back. He was persecuted and imprisoned. Trying to make it through this trial is a lot like being imprisoned. You're stuck in a life that is controlled by circumstances beyond you. The only control you have is choosing to seek God's help or not.

So back to the beginning, if I really meant my prayer I'm going to have to get up each day and pray: "Lord, I cannot do this without you, I am weak and my thoughts sometimes take me captive. Let me see you in today. Let me see the blessings that you bestow whether great or small. Let me be thankful for this day."